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Erestor and Sauron The Last Alliance Battlefield Correspondence. by Glorfindel

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Table of Contents

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Story notes:
Part of the Melpomaen the elfling universe.

Disclaimer: I do not own the elves or their surroundings. I make no profit and have no intention of making any.
Chapter notes:
.
Dear Erestor,

My army is ready and waiting. I have decided to take you as one of the spoils of war. You have no choice in the matter.

Sauron.

Sauron,

More bluster?

If ever I thought that I might be a spoil of war I would fall on my sword. Thank you for letting me know of your intentions. You have just lost the element of surprise.

Not very bright, are you?

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

Maybe I wanted you to know.

It will make you fight harder and less like a little human girl. I can see you sparring when I stand outside my tent and I am rather gratified to have my suspicion confirmed that only your mouth is vicious.

Sauron.

Sauron,

You are very much mistaken if you hope to undermine my confidence by comparing my fighting skills to that of a little human girl, when you are one yourself.

You find my mouth vicious? You have just unwittingly exposed another weakness. Were you shouted at a lot, as a child?

We are postponing today’s battle until tomorrow as we have better things to do.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

I am a Maia, therefore I endured no childhood or any shouting. I would have thought that you could have thrown a better insult. Maybe your vicious mouth lives by reputation only.

I will meet you on the field of battle tomorrow, because obviously, painting your nails is far more important.

Sauron.

Sauron,

The dead bodies of the many orcs we slaughtered in today’s battle are littering the battle plain. We give you two hours to clear up. I realise that the sheer amount of dead will make it a daunting task and so I urge you to start straightaway.

I am happy to report that we have suffered hardly any casualties - no deaths and only a few minor injuries.

Goldfish have better fighting abilities than your army does.

You fight like a baby mermaid – with the tail missing.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

The orc bodies are gone in readiness for when we meet tomorrow.

I am saving these insults for when I eventually take you prisoner. How delightful it will be to hear you admit to my superiority.

This is just a temporary and minor setback.

We will win.

Sauron - who will one day be your master.

Sauron,

You are the Maia of lies; therefore, when you say that you will win, I know that you actually mean that you will lose. Thank you for confirming the future victory of the elven races.

Such a lift this has given us. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect you ever to admit defeat.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

I am not admitting defeat.

Sauron.

Sauron.

Yes you are, and you know it.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

I will be victorious. Nothing can defeat the power of evil and you are being inappropriately pedantic.

How typical of you to grasp at straws. Your confidence must be at a very low ebb. I enclose a silk handkerchief for you to wipe the despairing tears away from your eyes.

Sauron.

Sauron,

You use black silk handkerchiefs? Your fashion sense is atrocious.

Remember, we won the last battle and we will win the next one. Denial is useless and does you no favours.

Why is there a loincloth on the washing line outside your tent with the words, ‘I have a killer dick’ on it?

Another one of your tedious lies?

Erestor

Dear Erestor,

At least the handkerchief was clean. Sigh, one tries to offer sympathy to those facing defeat…

What loincloth is that? Mine have ‘Supreme Ruler of Middle-earth’ on them. I think you are not being entirely honest, Erestor.

My spies have informed me that Ereinion was wearing a tutu during his all night love session with Oropher last night. I have more respect for him now that I know he is a cross dresser and cheating on you.

Sauron.

Sauron,

At least I have a lover, and I do not believe for one moment that Ereinion is cheating on me; he would not dare.

Perhaps you are jealous because you only get to sleep with orcs? A tip for you: try brushing your teeth to make your breath more pleasant. You might achieve a better quality of bed partner.

We have all heard of the Breath of Sauron.

I am sending a toothbrush with detailed instructions on how to use it.

Erestor

Dear Erestor,

The Breath of Sauron is a figurative device only, as you should know being an adviser; although, I suspect you obtained the position purely because you have sex with your employer who is still cheating on you, no matter how much you deny it.

Because you do not seem to be very bright and on the ball today, I will explain. I send waves of dread over my enemies but there is no smell nor does it come out of my mouth.

I thought I was corresponding with an elf who had at least one atom of intelligence. It appears I was wrong. It is not often that that I am in error but I will not let it spoil my life, anal one.

Sauron

Sauron,

Thank you for your reply.

Waves of dread that do not come out of your mouth? We have no wish to know how capable you are with your farts.

You are an adult now and should have left these childhood actions behind.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

Once again, you misread what is plainly written out for you and now you have descended into rudeness.

I am not interested in your little taunts.

Today’s battle will be two hours later than planned.

Sauron.

Sauron,

It is obvious that you cannot match me for witty repartee.

There will be no battle today if you postpone for two hours. You are not mucking us about.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

It makes no difference to me if we fight today or tomorrow. Inevitably, I will win.

Sauron.

Sauron,

No you won’t.

Erestor,

Dear Erestor,

Yes I will.

Sauron.

Sauron,

If you refuse to be serious then we will have no choice but to cancel the Last Alliance and send you home with a flea in your ear.

Remember, you are the one who wanted to fight. We are here merely as an indulgence and we can leave right now!

We will thrash your arse.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

You will not leave right now, as your descendants would see that as a retreat.

We will fight this to the bitter end and you lot will be defeated.

I look forward to you being my sex slave and I expect you do too.

Sauron.

Sauron,

WHAT??????? As if that would ever happen.

We will meet on the field as originally agreed.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

I am going to seek you out today and kick your arse. You deserve no better. Let us see if you maintain your cheek when you are in my stronghold pleading for your life.

Sauron.

Sauron,

You lost and we won – I am doing a happy little dance of joy because we thrashed your orcs.

Clean up the battlefield. You have two hours, so get to it!

The last push is tomorrow and we will win. Are you actually going to come out onto the battlefield or are you going to skulk behind you armies, pooing your panties in fear, like you normally do? (And like you did today!)

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

I am not going to write about tomorrow except that I will win.

Victory will sit sweet upon my tongue.

Sauron.

Sauron – loser,

Thankyou for your reply. It was so boring that I nearly fell asleep.

Victory will not sit sweet upon your tongue because you have astonishingly bad, honking breath, which you have already admitted to, and also, we shall win and defeat you.

It is as simple as that.

Erestor – winner.

Dear Erestor,

I am bored with arguing with you.

I will see you on the field tomorrow at the usual time.

Sleep well because it is the last one you will have.

Sauron.

Sauron,

I know it is the morning of the battle, but we need to postpone for two hours. I have already sent postponement notes to the various leaders of the different armies so if you show up there will be no one to fight.

Sorry about this but sometimes real-life intrudes and we have to make exceptions.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

No way are we starting late.

I will see you on the battlefield at the previously agreed time.

I am looking forward to winning.

Sauron.

Sauron,

You are going to look pretty stupid hanging around on a battlefield with no one to fight.

Do as you wish; it makes no difference to us.

It is not as though you will win, anyway.

Erestor.

Dear Erestor,

The song of victory is already sweet.

We will be the victors and I will be Supreme Leader of Middle-earth.

We are going out at the appointed time. Do not be late. How sweet will be the defeat and destruction of the elven races.

Make the most of your final moments of life.

Sauron.

The rest is history. Sauron went out at the appointed time and killed two-thirds of Oropher’s army and the king himself. Oropher had not received Erestor’s note and so he had turned up for battle at the previously appointed time. This small victory did not help Sauron as the last Alliance defeated him and the above letter proved to be his last.